Sacrificial Love

I really dislike Valentine’s Day.

It’s not because I had some bad experience with Valentine’s Day—I’ve never had my heart broken or had anything traumatic happen to me on this day. It’s just the cheapness of it all. The absolute disgusting display of red, pink, and purple. The giant, hideous teddy bears that sit on the shelves of every store. The endless boxes of candy on display. I just can’t stand it all.

I don’t like that this day makes those not in a relationship feel lonely. Or even worse, that it makes them feel like they need to be in a relationship, that something is wrong with them because they’re not in one. That might be why so many young people idolize love and romance and miss out on the best relationship they can have—a relationship with Jesus. Instead, they worship the cheap version of love that Valentine’s Day portrays. Most of them don’t even know what kind of love they’re missing out on, and oh, it’s the best kind of love out there.

Sacrificial love.

The other day Ben and I were out getting a pizza from Hy-Vee. Now, to normal people this would be an easy thing to do. But Ben and I have very different tastes in pizza. He is very daring in his pizza preferences: Canadian bacon and pineapple, meat lovers, and even (gasp!) supreme. The horror, I know. It’s too much for my simple taste to handle, as I only eat pepperoni. But you know what? We always leave the store with a pepperoni pizza. On our way to the checkout the other day Ben jokingly said, “You know, we always get the pizza you want.” It had never occurred to me that each time we get pizza, Ben always keeps in mind that I don’t particularly care for all the toppings he really loves.

Cute, right. I know. But it gets better. As we sat eating our pizza Ben gets up for seconds and he asks if I wanted one or two more slices—but I knew there was only two left. He was offering me the last two when he probably wanted more for himself. “There’s only two left, hun,” I pointed out. “Then you won’t have another one.” I kid you not; he sits down and says, “My love for you is sacrificial.”

That is the kind of love I want to celebrate on Valentine’s Day, because it is a mere shadow of the kind of love that Jesus offers to us all. It is the kind of love that will willingly lay down his life for his lost children. The kind of love that saves us from the death and destruction we so deserve. A kind of love that is so big and so great that I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it. You can read about it below: (taken from Matthew 27 & 28 at www.biblegateway.com , my favorite site ever!)

The Death of Jesus

45 At noon, darkness fell across the whole land until three o’clock. 46 At about three o’clock, Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Eli, Eli,[j] lema sabachthani?” which means “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?”[k]

47 Some of the bystanders misunderstood and thought he was calling for the prophet Elijah. 48 One of them ran and filled a sponge with sour wine, holding it up to him on a reed stick so he could drink. 49 But the rest said, “Wait! Let’s see whether Elijah comes to save him.”[l]

50 Then Jesus shouted out again, and he released his spirit. 51 At that moment the curtain in the sanctuary of the Temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. The earth shook, rocks split apart, 52 and tombs opened. The bodies of many godly men and women who had died were raised from the dead. 53 They left the cemetery after Jesus’ resurrection, went into the holy city of Jerusalem, and appeared to many people.

54 The Roman officer[m] and the other soldiers at the crucifixion were terrified by the earthquake and all that had happened. They said, “This man truly was the Son of God!”

55 And many women who had come from Galilee with Jesus to care for him were watching from a distance. 56 Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary (the mother of James and Joseph), and the mother of James and John, the sons of Zebedee.

The Resurrection

28 Early on Sunday morning,[a] as the new day was dawning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went out to visit the tomb.

2 Suddenly there was a great earthquake! For an angel of the Lord came down from heaven, rolled aside the stone, and sat on it. 3 His face shone like lightning, and his clothing was as white as snow. 4 The guards shook with fear when they saw him, and they fell into a dead faint.

5 Then the angel spoke to the women. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I know you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead, just as he said would happen. Come, see where his body was lying. 7 And now, go quickly and tell his disciples that he has risen from the dead, and he is going ahead of you to Galilee. You will see him there. Remember what I have told you.”

8 The women ran quickly from the tomb. They were very frightened but also filled with great joy, and they rushed to give the disciples the angel’s message. 9 And as they went, Jesus met them and greeted them. And they ran to him, grasped his feet, and worshiped him. 10 Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t be afraid! Go tell my brothers to leave for Galilee, and they will see me there.”

~

Sacrificial love. That is something worth celebrating!  

Fears, Excitements, and Songs

Hello faithful followers! I haven’t blogged in a while because I’ve been giving you plenty of updates on Facebook. Don’t want to overwhelm you all! But I wanted to take some time and give you all a very special thank you! Because even as this project nears its end, my fears are just starting. Let me explain.

All the work is done. The writing phase has been over for months. The draft I had to read through last week was to catch any grammatical and layout mistakes. I signed a content approval form back in October, and now any changes I feel necessary can’t be made. And I am satisfied with the story after reading through it again. Parts of it I read and have no idea where the words came from—perhaps they are God’s words, not mine. So I can only hope that people do not get hung up on the small details I may have missed, the situations I maybe didn’t do a great job of explaining. That’s a big fear of mine—that people will get hung up on the details that don’t matter. I hope that my readers will be impacted by the gospel message, that they can find healing in Christ’s love.

But I remember back to last winter, back when I was still writing and looking into publishing. My prayer back then was “God, take this project and take it just as far as it needs to go. Change hearts with it.” That’s still my prayer today. When I get worried thinking about the 1000 copies that need to be sold I remember the real goal—to glorify Christ. To reach his lost children. To encourage his faithful followers.

So…your support has been more than encouraging. It has been a blessing straight from God! I am very excited to deliver my book into your hands and finally be able to talk to you all about Molly and the rest of the characters. It’s gonna be great!

One more thing—I am sending in a synopsis of book #2 soon! Since I am already published under Tate I get an author discount, so while the first book is being released we can start work on #2, “An Open Window.” And…I am working on book 3, "Out of the Dust." It is my hope that after reading “Another Ending” you will all fall in love with these characters as I have; then you’ll understand why I just couldn’t let them go. The second and third books are a continuation of their story.

Also, check out these songs. (if you have a ton of time on your hands!) After you read the books you can come back and see just how well they fit with these stories.

"Another Ending":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUAI-L2BENQ  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghgpz0IWV0E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzyouuhzOvA

"An Open Window":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1p-QfgkLow

"Out of the Dust": 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEhRucEVzH8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TScWzIzT8m8

I'll keep ya'll updated.

The Fight Continues

Most of you reading this blog are from the Midwest and have been to a Hy-Vee store before. If you’ve been in one during the past month you know we changed up how we do our gas discounts. And let me tell you…people are NOT happy about it. Every time I go in for work I have at least one customer tell me how much they hate the new fuel saver program and that they won’t be buying gas from Hy-Vee anymore. I just smile politely and apologize, because it wasn’t my idea to start this new deal in the first place and I can do absolutely nothing to change it. But it has started wearing on me…day after day of crabby, unsatisfied customers is definitely not fun to deal with.

It dawned on me today though that it is so easy to pick up out negativity in strangers, or even friends and family, for that matter. I can have thirty happy customers come through my line, thirty people who say hello, chatter politely, and then say thank you and leave with a smile. But when one crabby person comes through my line it sticks with me. I remember them. It bothers me that they had nothing good to say the entire time; that nothing I did was good enough for them. When they leave all I can think is My goodness, you don’t have one pleasant thing to say today??  They let one trip to the grocery store ruin their entire day, when really, in the grand scheme of things, a fuel saver program isn’t going to have that much of an impact on them. Sure, it may inconvenience or frustrate them…but really…they probably have much to be thankful for.

That is the sin in me talking. I stand across the check stand thinking this about them, silently criticizing them for not being grateful for what they have.  But I probably could not keep track of how many times a day I do the same thing.  Here are some of my daily thoughts…

            I pay HOW MUCH to go to this school every year, and yet I STILL can’t ever seem to find a place to park. Fantastic…looks like I’ll be walking half a mile to the dorms once again in the twenty degree weather…in the dark…

            Pasta again? REALLY? The cafeteria can’t come up with something new? Looks like pizza once again today…

            This person can’t drive. I doubt they even have a license. Ever heard of a turn signal, person? You are ruining my life…

            Seriously? You’re not going to text me back. This is your fiancée texting you…what if I was dying???

I could go on.  Regardless of how incredibly blessed I am, I still find something to complain about. And at the same time I stand across from people and send judgment on them for doing the same thing! This is also something Ben and I have been discussing as part of our premarital counseling. I am more often at fault of doing this than Ben is—I neglect to combat my own sin while at the same time jumping in and telling Ben everything that is wrong with him. Most of the time I am guilty of the exact thing I am finding offensive in him. In my selfishness I have always looked over the passage of Matthew 7, thinking it didn’t apply to me as a “good Christian girl.” I could not have been more wrong! So, this passage has been on my heart for the past couple of weeks, and to make up for all the lost time skipping it over and refusing to take it to heart, I am taking a hard look at it now and making an effort to put it into action:

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you notice the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but you do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is a log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

I think many people misread this passage, or rather, don’t read far enough. Many people are quick to point out that the Bibles says not to judge, which it clearly does, as seen in the passage above. But if you keep reading, it says that once we have taken the log out of our own eyes, then we will be able to take the speck out of our brother’s eyes. I take this passage to mean that first I must combat my own sin, and then I can help my fellow brother or sister in Christ combat theirs. It certainly does not mean standing across from them and saying, “I worked on my sin, now you work on yours! I learned to be thankful for my beautiful life, now you be thankful for yours!” Perhaps a better way to do this is to make a conscious effort to praise God for my beautiful life…work on verbalizing my praise and subtracting the complaints. Isn’t it easier to praise alongside of someone? It is certainly easy to complain alongside someone, so it will probably have the same effect. It’s something I’m trying out, anyway. I wish my daily thoughts went more like this…

            God gave you two legs for a reason. Walking from this upper parking lot to your dorm won’t kill you. And it’s giving you a chance to enjoy this beautiful, clear night.

            You have such a wide array of food to choose from. There will soon come a time in your life when you will wish someone put out five different options of food and then cleaned up after you. Enjoy this while you can…

            This person driving in front of me is a child of God. They are loved dearly, who am I to criticize them?

            Whatever you are doing right now, it is for a purpose. I know you will text me back when you get the chance. Clearly I am not dying and I can wait a few hours to talk to you!

That would be great. And I’m trying! I fail daily at it, but I am fighting it. I have a beautiful life—I have been blessed far beyond what I can imagine. I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around how good God has been to me. I see people all around me going through storms and hardships, and I wonder why that is. Why is this life so hard for others, and yet others seem to just walk on through? I have been through my share of storms, and the threat of one is never far off, but still. Compared to some, I have it pretty easy. I want to realize now, while I am in the midst of the calm, that God is good and that no matter what he is there, he is providing. So I will continue to fight so that when the storms do come, I’ll be ready. 

Braggin' Up My Man

Tonight Ben and I are “celebrating” one year of engagement. I use the word “celebrate” loosely, however, because we have found our long engagement to be a really good thing, and a really bad thing. I advise all my friends who are in serious relationships to really talk about marriage and to make a plan of when the ideal time to get married is, and then to plan accordingly. Long engagements are tough. From the beginning I wanted to jump right in and begin planning and making decisions, but because I had 18 months to get stuff done it wasn’t realistic. We’ve had to wait until just recently to really nail down some decisions, because we weren’t able to do so with the wedding date so far in the future. But we’re finally getting to the end, people! Only six more months to go J

Aside from not being able to do all the things I wanted to do from the get go and the sheer frustration of having to wait over 500 days to get married, it hasn’t been all bad. We started marriage counseling in October, which we’ve always looked forward to, but I’ve found myself enjoying it more than I thought I would. I’ve been able to take a step back from both the bad and the good and really focus on what this whole thing is about. And it’s deepening my appreciation for the man I love on a daily basis, and I want to share that experience with you all.

Those of you who know Ben well will not be surprised to hear that he is a very romantic person. He has a very caring, compassionate heart that he shares with everyone on a daily basis, so it makes sense that in our relationship he’d take that to the next level. It’s like he’s really taken to heart what the Lord said in Genesis 2: 18. God has just created the entire world—all the animals and of course, Adam. After he creates each creature, he declares it to be good. Except in Adam’s case. The Lord says, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”  So God brings all the creatures he has made and brings them to Adam, but he still feels that none of these are suitable helpers. Finally, the Lord made a woman from Adam’s rib, and he brought her to him. Adam’s reaction always makes me chuckle: “At last! This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh. She will be called Woman, because she was taken from man.”

Let me clarify when I say that Ben has taken this passage to heart. I don’t mean that he walks around all the time telling everyone that without me he isn’t good. But I think he has realized just how important it is to share life with another. He’s realized, just like I have, that it isn’t good to be alone! It is a blessing to share a life of love, and he treats it like a blessing. Recently I read the Nicholas Sparks book “The Wedding,” which is about a man looking back on all the ways he failed his wife. Upon realizing this, he sets out to win back his wife. It’s a touching story, and it makes me thankful for the man I do have…a man who makes romance a priority, who doesn’t want to look back on his life and regret not saying how he felt or taking the time to be spontaneously romantic. I know that many wives, fiancées, and girlfriends do not experience this in their relationships, and that makes me sad. Being romanced is one of the best feelings in the world—it communicates to me that Ben is willing to do a little extra work, put a little extra thought, into showing me that he loves me. So…I am going to take this opportunity to brag up my man a little bit. This isn’t to cause jealousy in any one else’s relationship, but if you know that romance is missing in your life, I hope you do something to change that. Don’t just sit back and wait for your guy to have some life-changing epiphany about his failure to romance you. It is unrealistic to expect that from anyone. If it bothers you, bring it up gently. Pray about it. Romance is important…so fight for it.

Ben tells me every single day that he loves me. I am so used to this that most of the time I don’t even think about what a big deal this is. It’s a huge deal. I know that too many people question whether or not their spouse loves them because they never hear it. To hear it every single day is a blessing. He also compliments me on a daily basis, which again, I too often take for granted. But as a woman what other people think of me very much influences how I think about myself, and fortunately, I have a pretty positive self-view. I have Ben to thank for much of that, as rarely does a week pass that Ben doesn’t tell me that I’m pretty or that I make him laugh. I’m not trying to puff myself up here; I just want you all to know how important this is to me. To have someone stop everything they’re doing, look you straight in the eyes and say, “I think you’re beautiful,” causes those little flutters to fly every time. I can’t even imagine being in a relationship with someone who didn’t compliment. I’m not saying that we should constantly be looking and fishing for compliments…but to hear someone say something like that is a reassurance. We always want to feel like we’re enough, we want to feel desirable. What better way to feel desirable than to be complimented?

Ben lets people know he loves me. This is a side of romance I don’t really get to see or hear from him; I hear it from other people. When he introduces me to someone for the first time I usually hear some form of “Oh, I’ve just heard so many good things about you. Ben talks about you all the time.” I love that other people know he loves me. I love that he tells his co-workers all the silly things I do. I love that he posts sappy things on my Facebook wall (I know some people hate this but get over it! We like each other, and we’re getting married. J). If he never talked about me, it would worry me. But the fact that he can’t shut up about me makes me happy.

My family always makes fun of me around Christmas time because of my extreme hatred for the “un-thoughtful” gift aisle in Walmart. You know, that aisle with all the pre-wrapped, “I-didn’t-have-to-do-one-shred-of-thinking- about” gifts? I advised Ben very early on to never get me one of those gifts, as I would be very disappointed! I want gifts to be personal; I want them to mean something. Picking out a perfume and lotion set doesn’t take much thought! I am pleased to inform you all that Ben has generally done an excellent job with gift giving. (Aside from one tragic birthday…I will not go into details because all has been forgiven. J) Most of the time I go “Awww” when I open up a gift from him. When I turned 17 Ben gave me a pink fishing pole and a personalized tackle box—very thoughtful. Last year, when I was in the beginning stages of pursuing publishing my book, Ben had my manuscript printed and bound for me, encouraging me to go for it. Those are just a few of the good gifts he’s given me, and he surprises me with little gifts throughout the years, too. Be it flowers of my favorite cookies, it always means so much more than he knows.

I want to always appreciate this about my husband-to-be. It is so easy to look at all the flaws people possess; it is far more difficult to appreciate the good. Even the small things—like the fact that he holds my hand every time we walk somewhere together, or that he opens doors for me—they are often the most important, because when he does them, he is communicating that he loves me. In order to love him back I hold on to his hand tightly and thank him for his thoughtfulness. I let him know that his efforts to romance do not go unnoticed. I thank him often. And I thank God for blessing me with a man whom I know I do not deserve. 

Teaser!

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!

I don’t even know what is happening right now with my book. I believe it has just gone through a round of developmental editing. After I spoke with my book project manager at the beginning of the month he took the notes from our conversation and brought them to the editors to make sure that we were all on the same page. I love that they make it a priority to get the okay from me first before doing anything. Because right now it seems so out of my hands…I don’t even dare open up the final word document I submitted to them in May. I just know I will want to change things, and right now, I can’t. It is completely out of my hands. When Tyler and I spoke (that’s my manager) he wanted to know who my target audience was and what I wanted to tell them with my book. So, I thought I would give ya’ll some of the information I gave Tyler…and then at the end I’ll let you read the teaser I sent them last week!

·         My target audience is young adults, but I hope this story touches more than that. It is written from a young adult’s prospective (Molly) and by a young adult (that’s me!), so it makes sense that young adults would connect to this story the easiest. And yet I focus on issues that every age group struggles with, so if you’re a young mom or if you’re an old woman I hope you can still connect to this story. I know men will be reading this too, and that audience will be tougher for me to reach. They are somewhat foreign to me, so I apologize. J But because my message is so distinctly Christian I like to believe that God will reach every heart he wants to, regardless of age or gender.

·         I want people to see God in a new way when they read this. If they are non-Christians, I hope the message gets them thinking about God. I hope it gets them questioning, and I hope that questioning will lead them to seek answers from people who want to provide them. I hope people email me and ask me about Jesus…that would make my heart so happy. For Christians, I want them to struggle with Molly, who is herself a Christian and falls away. Bad things happen to Molly, and she tries to run away from them…she gets angry and questions God. I want my readers to connect with her, to remember times when they felt the same way and to realize that God is bigger than those bad things, and that it is okay to cry out to him and ask why. In the end, I just want all my readers to see what an awesome, wonderful, mighty, and extremely loving and forgiving God we serve.

·         A sub-goal of mine is to educate people about sexual abuse in dating relationships. Oftentimes when people think about rape, a scary man jumping out behind some pushes and attacking a poor, helpless woman comes to mind. We tend to think that rape is carried out by strangers, when in fact many more rapes are carried out by people the victim knows. Sneaky of me to try and educate people with a story, right? But it’s effective. I hope to entertain and educate. I will be talking to my editors later about possibly including more information about date rape in the back of the book, because young people need to be aware that this happens, and that it happens frequently. (Social worker coming out in me…always striving for prevention)

Earlier when I talked to Tyler he asked me how attached I was to my title, because they might need to change it. While I said I would be okay with it, I’m really not. But because they loved my teaser and I used the name Another Ending in it, I am hoping they leave the title alone. It ties into a line in the book, and it just fits so well with what happens to Molly. I’ll let you read it and decide:

“In one moment Molly Taylor’s world is flipped upside down, and life loses all meaning. When it becomes more than she can take, she runs—from her dark situation, from her family and friends, and from God himself. Fully convinced that God no longer cares for her, she searches for peace away from him, only to run into endings time after time. Another Ending is a story of hope and forgiveness; for while Molly searches for answers away from God, she realizes that only through him can we face darkness. Only through his grace do our endings turn into new beginnings.”

Yup. Took me an HOUR to write that short little teaser. It had to be 100 words or less, and that is beyond hard! Summing up an entire book in 100 words, and not giving away any major plot events, is incredibly hard. But I did it. Let me know what you think, and when I get more information on what the next steps will be I will post again.

Fighting for Joy

The first six weeks of school were a breeze for me. None of my teachers were piling on assignments, and I was adjusting pretty well to working during the school year. But lately it seems like everyone got together and decided to throw everything at me all at once. I have major projects and tests in every single one of my classes due in less than two weeks, and my work schedule has gotten more hectic as well. Instead of scheduling me for longer shifts on weekends or easy days, lately I have been working shorter shifts almost every single weeknight. So, my days basically consist of classes, studying and working on projects, going to work, studying and working on projects some more, and sleeping. If I’m lucky I will stop by Ben’s place for a while, but recently the only days we have guaranteed together is Sunday. This is frustrating for both of us, because this is the time when we are supposed to be planning our wedding and preparing for marriage. Unfortunately, that often gets pushed to the back burner while both of us try to juggle working and school. It’s a good thing we got so much wedding stuff done in September and early October, because it doesn’t seem to be slowing down here anytime soon. Midterms are just around the corner, and before we know it, it will be finals. Stress. Full. (It’s also Holiday Season at Wal-Mart…which I am NOT looking forward to!)

I have been letting all of this pile up on me and get me down. I get frustrated that my nights are occupied with working, but I know it’s where I need to be right now to make sure school is paid for. I get frustrated that certain teachers pile on project after project and expect that their class be the center of my entire life. And I get frustrated that some nights I am just too tired to drive across town to spend the evening with my fiancé. (Are you getting the sense that I’m frustrated??) Usually when I am feeling this way it quickly leaves. But right now, it’s not. I can tell because I don’t feel like myself. Most days I wake up and immediately think about all I need to get done. I overwhelm myself before the day even starts! And when I finally get done all I needed to, I sit and think about all I didn’t get to do because I was so busy doing everything else. Are there other things I really want to be doing right now? You bet. But I will always, always push those things aside to get done what needs to get done. It’s in my blood. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it! And people are noticing. It makes me sad that when I call my mom on the phone she always thinks I’m upset about something. Even when my day is going pretty well, she can still pick up that sense of frustration. And unfortunately for Ben, I take out aggression on him. I absolutely hate that. And yet, when I say snappy things to him or spend an entire evening unloading my frustrations onto him, I can always count on an “I love you more than anything in the world” text from him before I go to bed. I know I don’t deserve that.

I also know I don’t deserve how God consistently takes care of every single detail in my life. After I’ve stressed myself out and ruined an entire week before it even really gets started, God steps in. Yay God! This week I was scheduled to take four tests: Statistics, British Literature, Human Behavior in the Social Environment, and Domestic Violence. Yuck. I already took my statistics test, but the other tests have been hanging over my head for the past week. Working makes studying harder to squeeze in, and we’re also throwing in a trip to Yankton on Thursday to begin marriage counseling and to take engagement pictures if the weather cooperates. (Which looks highly unlikely!) I had no idea when I was going to make time for all this. Well, that’s where God stepped in. My British Literature mid-term got postponed! It’s a small blessing that completely changes my entire week, because now I can focus on the one test that needs the most attention and worry about the British Literature midterm later. Funny how one small thing changes everything. I am much more confident in my ability to get everything done that needs to get done. And to top it all off, I was asked to transfer to the jewelry department in Wal-Mart, which seems like a dream come true after getting hardcore chewed out by a customer last week. Being at the checkouts is very hard because people take out their anger on me a lot. Being away from all the craziness would be wonderful, and I know my stress level would go down quite a bit if I actually do transfer.

But even though God blessed me in these small ways and changed my attitude about this week, I know the coming weeks and months will bring more of the same frustration. I am glad I can recognize my bad attitude now so that I can work on it and stop dragging myself around. I don’t like living like that! I don’t want to do it anymore. So, I want to make the conscience effort to fight for joy. Sounds kind of contradictory, right? We shouldn’t have to fight for joy…should we? I think so.

You can’t always experience that spontaneous joy that we love so much. Some days you just wake up feeling sad. You can maybe throw yourself out of bed, but we all know that you can’t always force yourself to be joyful. Some people seem to have been born with a joyful attitude, and we look at them and cringe a little. (Anyone else get a teensy bit bothered by those perpetually happy people? How in the world are they happy every single day???) We start to think that something is wrong with us. If they experience joy every single day, why aren’t we? I want joy every day. So I will fight for it. Here’s an excerpt from John Piper’s book “When I don’t Desire God- How to Fight for Joy.” This book has put fighting for joy in perspective for me—

           

            “We are like farmers. They plow the field and plant the seed and cut away weeds and scare away crows, but they do not make the crops grow. God does. He sends the rain and sunshine and brings to maturity the hidden life of the seed. We have our part. But it is not coercive or controlling. And there will be times when the crops fail. Even then God has his ways of feeding the farmer and bringing him through a lean season…In obedience to God’s word we should fight to walk in the paths where he promised his blessings. But when and how they come is God’s to decide, not ours. If they delay, we trust the wisdom of our Father’s timing, and we wait. In this way joy remains a gift, while we wait patiently in the field of obedience and fight against the weeds and the crows and the rodents. Here is where joy will come. Here is where Christ will reveal himself (John 14:21). But that revelation and that joy will come when and how Christ chooses. It will be a gift.”

I don’t feel joyful every day. Certainly not this week. But I love when God steps in like he just did for me to remind me that even in times of difficulty, he is there. God’s timing is perfect, so I will continue walking by his side and fighting those weeds and crows and rodents every day, because in the end I know that gift will be worth it. When school and a wedding are all taken care of and paid for, I can take a step back, wipe the sweat from my brow, and thank the Lord above that he never left me and that he blessed me more than I know what to do with. I am so thankful I have a God who works for me when I fail in so many ways. For even when I work my hardest, I can accomplish nothing. God accomplishes it all, and that, my friends, is a huge reason to be joyful.

  

The Sweet Significance of Smarties

Some moments are so significant in our lives that they will never disappear from our brains no matter how much time passes. Sometimes we don’t know that certain moments will change our lives forever, but when we look back and realize just how important those moments were to shaping the rest of our lives, we cherish them and hold them closely to our hearts. I am now realizing just how important one night was to my life, and I thought you all might want to hear about it. One night changed my entire life forever, and here’s the story:

October 12^th, 2008 was a cloudy, cool Sunday. It was the type of day I just adore; the clouds hung low in the sky and it was raining on and off.  I was fifteen at the time and in love with a boy that I wasn’t sure even liked me as more than just a friend. (Ben, in case any of you were confused!) Our relationship confused me; we were like best friends, and everyone asked if we were dating. Of course, I wished we were, but someone seemed to be oblivious to the fact that I thought the world of him. (Ben again, in case any of you can’t follow me.) Everyone else on the planet knew I wished we were more than friends, except for the one person I wanted to know. (You guessed it…Ben again!) But, I was and still am old fashioned. I wanted him to pursue me. Way back when MSN was the popular form of online chatting, I would anxiously log on at night just to see if he was online, and if he was I suppressed my extreme desire to strike up a conversation with him. Didn’t want to come off super eager, folks. He still didn’t know I liked him and I wanted to keep it that way, at least until he told me he liked me first. He needed to make the first move, and if he wouldn’t have done that I wouldn’t have even considered dating him. Luckily for me, that all changed on October 12^th.

Even though it was rainy and chilly that day, I made plans to spend time with Ben’s little sister Samantha. Samantha and I have always been close and at this time I was helping her sort through some issues. Mainly I just listened to her talk, which is what we all need at times. So on that chilly day we were sitting out at Gavins Point beach in Yankton, just hanging out and removing ourselves from the stresses back at home. I don’t remember how long we sat out at the beach, but when we were getting ready to go she mentioned that she had something for me from Ben. I remember my heart doing a weird little lurch inside me as she gave me an envelope with my name on it. I think I opened it up right then and there and let her read it to. And guess what people! I still have that letter. It is ripped, fragile, and falling apart, but it is an important piece of our history and I plan to keep it for as long as I can. All it says is that he wanted to meet with me after he got off work at 8:00 that night to “talk to you about something.” Of course when I read that to my parents and sisters that night they all raised their eyebrows and guessed that he was going to ask me out, which of course caused me to blush( I blush super easily!) and disagree. I was positive that he still only thought of me as a friend and told them he probably just wanted to talk about something that was bugging him, since we were best friends and talked about everything.

To my pleasant surprise, this visit was more than just a friendly chat. The funniest thing about this whole ordeal is that I had to have my mom drop me off at HyVee, which is where the conversation took place. I was only fifteen the night my entire life would change! Too young to even drive myself to the conversation that would change everything. That was one of the weirdest drives of my entire life. But when I walked into HyVee and saw Ben in his cute little work uniform-khaki pants, white button up shirt, and a bright red tie- I got really excited. Because I immediately knew this was more than just a talk from how he was sitting. He was praying-leaning forward, eyes closed, probably nervous out of his mind. Sitting on the table was two bottles of Mello Yellow and a bunch of Smarties candies. (HyVee hands them out to kids, but Ben stole so many of those when he worked there!) I awkwardly sit down and he looks up and smiles, but I can tell he is super nervous. We make small talk for a while, but he had just spent his entire six hour shift rehearsing what he wanted to say to me so we didn’t waste too much time just chatting. I am so mad that I can’t recall the exact conversation, (you’d think as a writer I would remember something so important!) but it went something like this:

            *awkward silence after awkward small talk ends*

Ben: So um, I have something to tell you. (nervously playing with Smarties wrappers)

            Sara: Okay. (gets super excited)

Ben: Well. I think I might like you…as more than a friend…and I was wondering…if you felt the same way too? (extreme crackling of Smarties wrappers)

Sara: Yeah. I do.

Ben: Oh. Okay. Well…cool.

I am literally laughing out loud as I recall this, because no one will ever understand how incredibly awkward this night was for both of us. We were already so close, but we avoided the fact that our relationship had quickly turned into more than just friendship. We ignored it, but continued getting closer and closer. We even talked on the phone a few times! Still, that night was weird. It was the first time anyone had told me he liked me, and it was the first time Ben had told anyone that. We were newbies and didn’t know what to do with this new information. All I know is that after he told me he finally relaxed, and we sat there chatting for quite a bit before I knew I had to get home and report to everyone that they were right. Although I would argue with them that he hadn’t really asked me out; he’d just told me he liked me. He knew I wasn’t allowed to date until I was sixteen, and at the time I still had six more months until I was sixteen. But Ben is detail oriented, and he calculated how many days between October 12 and April 24, my birthday, and told me he would wait. That is what I will always remember about that night. He wanted to wait for me. Isn’t that every girl’s dream?

Along with that, I will always remember the walk back to his rusty little Toyota pickup so he could take me home. He was so happy that he started running and jumping and making these absurd little shouts of joy. Then he turned around, now running backwards, and grinned that silly grin that still makes me laugh even now, four years later.

And my life has never been the same. I wouldn’t know it until years later, because even though we were best friends, I knew high school relationships didn’t often last. But as a year passed, I think we both knew it would. Two more came and went, and a beautiful engagement ring sealed the deal. So as we approach the anniversary of the night he told me he liked me, I view it differently now. It wasn’t just the first time a boy told me he liked me. It was the beginning of my marriage, of the rest of my entire life. That is pretty significant, folks. And you can bet we will be celebrating by cracking open some Mello Yellows, enjoying some Smarties, and laughing at the awkward, sweet, and life changing conversation that started us on this crazy adventure.

I just love October, don’t you?