Pushing Back the Dark

When I was in middle school and high school, I was in love with Karen Kingsbury books. I always had my nose in one, and her writing greatly shaped my own. One thing I admire in her writing is the clear gospel message she puts into her stories. But I didn’t always appreciate this.

As a teenager, I highly doubted that Christian fiction could change lives. Why would anyone respond to a made-up character encountering God? I’d heard lots of personal testimonies that had touched my heart, but reading about it just didn’t feel the same.

My heart has of course changed. It changed when I began writing Christian fiction myself. The other day a reader emailed me and asked me some questions about my book—he asked me if my characters were based off of real people. They aren’t, although I will say that as I stepped into Molly’s world and imagined how I would react to what she goes through, I put in many of the thoughts and emotions I think I would have had. There is a little bit of me in Molly. Because of this, I truly believe that Molly’s encounters with God are more believable—her encounters shadow my own. I didn’t just make all this up. Yes, it’s true that the story is fictional. But I’m writing about a real God and real experiences with him. I know Molly’s story is impacting people, because people have told me! A few young readers sent me messages thanking me for writing about real emotions, and for including a message of Jesus and sound Biblical truth into my story. God is bigger than my dreams! He took a skeptic and turned her into a believer.

With this revelation in my mind, I keep pushing forward. Which is not always easy. The other day a royalty check came in the mail. And it was tiny. When Ben, my family and I decided to go ahead and take a risk on this book, we never expected to make a ton of money. Our focus has never been on money. Still, we had a great weekend at Lifelight in September and expected to have some book sales on this check. It just didn’t end up that way, and it was a little disappointing. Ben quickly reminded me, though, that even though we didn’t sell as many copies as we might have liked, the gospel message was in a few more hands than before. We simply have to keep plugging. Keep pushing back the dark.

I don’t know what stands in your way of pushing back the dark. Fear, uncertainty, and disappointment stands in my way—perhaps those things and more stand in the way of what God is calling you to do, whatever that may be. There will always be a reason to quit, and Satan will shout those reasons at you as loud as he can. You have to make a choice of who you want to listen to—your Savior, or Satan. Jesus calls us to be a shining city on a hill, but I know personally just how hard this can be. Choosing to listen to God can be extremely difficult. But just as the song "Pushing Back the Dark" by Josh Wilson says, “Somebody needs a light you have.” God allows us to be a part of his divine work—why do we let fear get in the way of shining his light?

Stop listening to the lies. Get out there and shine your light! There are words that need to be written, songs that need to be sung, encouragement that needs to be given, hurts that need to be listened to. Whatever it is that God has called you to do, start doing it. And go ahead and listen to this amazing new song by Josh Wilson for encouragement J

  

I'm Glad Our God is Not Like Me

God gave me a beautiful glimpse into his world the other day.

Remember the passage in Mark 10, where a man runs up to Jesus asking what he must do to inherit eternal life? And remember how Jesus responds? I’ll help you out: “And Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, ‘You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.’”

I could write a million things about this passage, but I want to pay special attention to the fact that Jesus, just looking at this man, loved him. That’s all it took. We know that because he is God he also saw this man’s entire life—all his fear, failures, and shortcomings—and that is what makes this passage that much more incredible! I can’t wrap my mind around how amazing our God is.

But like I said, God gave me a special glance in his world the other day. The moment was so special and powerful that it almost knocked me over, and I keep thinking about it over and over again just so I can keep these feelings inside me. My day was progressing as normal—except for the fact that it was raining cats and dogs. I went to work just as I do every day, setting out our snack for the afternoon and putting out all our games and toys for my kiddos to dig into after I picked them up from school. I drove the big ‘ole 15 passenger van through the flooded roads of Sioux Falls to Hawthorne Elementary School, where 13 sets of eyes looked out the window in horror at the sheets of rain falling from the sky. They knew they were going to get soaked—and they took precaution. They dug their coats out of their bags and zipped themselves up, flinging their hoods over their heads to prepare themselves.

All but one student.

My littlest guy. I wish I could share his photo with you but that is highly unethical, and the social worker inside me won’t allow me to. All I will say is that this is not your ordinary kindergartener. He is the tiniest, most fragile looking little kid I have ever seen. And yet at the same time, he is the kindest, funniest, most on fire for life little guy I’ve met. I just love him, and I tell Ben all the time that it takes everything in me not to just scoop him up and take him home with me at night. I just want to love him forever.

He was the only one on that rainy day to just stand by the window in awe. He wasn’t complaining about getting soaked. He was simply amazed at the display God was making outside. In the middle of the chaos I was able to stop and admire his personality, but reality is a rude intruder that shakes me out of these moments sooner than I appreciate. Common sense was telling me to go to him and insist he put his coat on, so that’s just what I did.

I got down on my knees and gently suggested, “Let’s put your coat on, okay? Look at that rain! You’ll get soaked!”

This little man speaks literally no English. But he does know the word “Yes!” and he responds very enthusiastically to almost every single question with this very word. I wish all my students were that agreeable! So we pulled out his coat and I helped him get his arms into the sleeves. I didn’t want to baby him too much so I stepped back and gave him space to zip up his coat on his own, but I noticed he was struggling. His zipper was broken, there was nothing to grab on to to pull it up. He needed my help.

So I moved closer once again and zipped up his coat, and as I zipped it up all the way to his tiny chin, our eyes met. I’m not usually at eye level with my students very often, and especially not this closely. I’m thankful God allowed me this moment, however, because in that moment, I loved this little guy. Just like Jesus took one look at the man and loved him, I looked into my student’s eyes and loved him. The moment was so powerful that like I said, I almost just fell over right there in the school with my other kids running around me.

He is so innocent. So trusting. So unaware that outside of his school and apartment building there is sadness and suffering. His daily life is full of playing, learning, smiling, and laughing. But I also know from where he lives that he faces poverty, great need, and limited opportunities. I want to take him away forever and shield him from the world. I want to rescue him

This moment was one of the most powerful learning experiences in my life. If you’ve been reading my posts for the last two months, you know that I’ve been struggling with my new job as a lead teacher at an after school program. My little guy isn’t the only one facing poverty, great need, and limited opportunities. 90% of my kids are in the same boat. They are rowdy, needy, and sometimes downright naughty. They are normal kids, but you can sense the tension that boils just below the surface. They worry about things many of us can’t begin to wrap our minds around. Poverty is a world we are glad we don’t have to deal with—but my kids deal with it every day.

I can’t always remember this fact. When my kids are acting out in defiance and running around like crazy fools, I just want to shout, Why can’t you just behave? Their behavior frustrates me to no end, and on a few particularly rough days I have simply wanted to throw in the towel and walk out of their lives forever.

I don’t do it, though. We have enough good days to keep me on. On the good days I look around and smile, thinking, Ya know, maybe these kids aren’t so bad after all.

I’m glad our God is not like me.

I’m glad that even on the days when I act out in defiance and run around like a crazy fool, God still looks at me and loves me. He doesn’t think about walking out and giving up hope on me, like I want to do with my kids on their worst days. He just loves me.

This simple truth has been washing over me constantly for the past week. It is such a basic foundation to my faith, but it is powerful enough to stop me in my tracks and bring me to my knees in thankfulness. I fail with my kids every day. But God never fails me. He is constant in his love, and his mercies are new every morning.

That is something to celebrate. 

"An Open Window" Sneak Peak!

It’s a busy time in my life!

The other day in my Child Welfare Class we talked about how stress can negatively affect a client’s life. My professor handed out a test for us to take, called the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale. On this test it says, “Holmes and Rahe found that a score of 150 gives you a 50-50 chance to developing an illness. A score of 300+ gives you a 90% chance of developing an illness, having an accident or “blowing up.””

I scored a 478.

But don’t worry. I had my meltdown a week before my wedding, when I got really sick, was severely dehydrated, and endured a panic attack—which landed me in the E.R. Fun stuff. I’ve lost my grandmother, gotten married, gained new family members (through the birth of my gorgeous niece and my new married family), started a new business (my book business), changed jobs, gotten promoted and given lots of new (and stressful!) responsibilities, had two books published, moved out of my parent’s house, and a few other minor things—all in the last two years. I think I understand now why I had that panic attack!

But, regardless of how stressful all of this has been, I wouldn’t want my life any other way. God has given me this crazy life to live, and I don’t want to hold back or miss any second of my big adventure. And the big adventure got a little more exciting last week when Tate Publishing mailed me my author copy of “An Open Window,” the sequel to my book “Another Ending.” I have 30 days to read through the book for what feels like the millionth time to catch any last minute errors. Once I approve the final draft, we will order books for pre-sale! I’m hosting a book signing event in Crossroads Book and Music in Sioux Falls on October 26th and will be selling books at Monta’s Custom Framing in Yankton in November, and I am hoping to have both copies of my book to sell to you all! Rest assured that I will keep you all posted as to when I have copies to get to you.

Here’s a little sneak peek into what to expect with this book. If you go on Amazon.com and look at the reviews for my first book, you will read this: “The book has a great story line, which deviates from the "normal". This girl has a miserable life because of violence inflicted on her through no fault of her own. The normal route a novel takes is that the girl then meets a nice man who helps her get through the problem and she falls madly in love with him. (I hate novels that imply that a woman can't recover without the "help" of a man.) Whitley instead takes the girl to the feet of Jesus, where real redemption and healing can take place. Hooray for you, Sara Whitley for writing a book that leads to truth, not fantasy. Good job!” 

I love this review. I love that people were able to see that I didn’t want Molly to be rescued by some guy. She was rescued by Christ. But does this mean she can never find love? I don’t think so! I hope those of you who so appreciated the fact that I didn’t end my story with Molly finding love will see that even though I do bring a man into Molly’s life in this second book, I do so in a much different way than many contemporary novels. I don’t bring this man into her life to further save her. I bring him into her life to illustrate to young girls what a Godly relationship looks like, and to emphasize how important it is to hold out for that Godly man. In our culture, we worship love. We want that perfect boyfriend or girlfriend! But we are imperfect creatures who love imperfectly. There is no perfect man or woman out there. But God still works in our lives, and through HIM we are able to love. I hope the teenagers and young adults who read about Molly’s relationships will begin to crave a Godly way of dating. And that is why I feel it was okay to bring a little more romance into this book than the first one. I hope you we be okay with it too J

I really do think you will enjoy seeing Molly take her first steps into a new life. Because really, at the end of “Another Ending,” I could have just walked away from her. The ending was satisfying. We see her come to terms with what has happened to her, we see her forgive herself and accept God’s forgiveness, and we see her return to her friends and family to ask for their forgiveness as well. She’s learning how to survive in her “new normal,” and I could have left you to fill in the blanks yourselves.

But of course I would never really do that, you silly gooses!

I can’t get enough of Molly. I’ve said this many times before, but I don’t think you guys understand. She is real. To me, she is as real as anything. I find myself wanting to call her up for coffee just to spend an afternoon learning from her. One of my favorite attributes about Molly is her willingness to see the sin in her life and to combat it. That’s a hard thing to do! I wish I was more like that—I try to be. I think when I write about Molly, I put part of myself into her. I write about characteristics I want to see grow in myself. One thing you will see in Molly is something that hits very close to home with me, although to a much higher degree. You see, although Molly has forgiven herself and accepted Christ’s forgiveness, she still struggles with regret and feels a great deal of pain over her abortion. God has forgotten, but she never can. And I know all of us can relate to this. Maybe we all haven’t had abortions, but we’ve all done things we hate. We have regrets and pains we wish would just go away. We pray, give our burdens to the Lord, and yet still, in the deepest parts of our souls, we can’t ever really forget.

That stinks.

So even though this is a story of “moving forward,” I bring Molly backwards quite a bit. She thinks about and grieves for her lost child in this story. She always will. I want people to understand that this is normal. It’s part of being human! But the absolutely wonderful thing is this: Christ overcame all of our sin by dying on the cross and rising again. The resurrection defeated sin and death once and for all, and if we, like Molly, choose to accept this totally undeserved gift we can LIVE! I can’t wait for you all to experience one of the most powerful moments in my writing career. And I don’t just say this to toot my own horn. I can say with full honesty that during this particular story, I didn’t write parts of it. The words felt like they came from God himself. One scene brings tears to my eyes and raises goosebumps on my arms every single time I read it. I hope you experience the same. Tell me about it if you do!

Here’s a bit more: You will see Molly continue to struggle with the after effects of being sexually assaulted, along with her regrets of aborting her child. You will feel her pain as she mourns over the loss of Tanner. You’ll see her fight and question God, and you’ll cry with her as she experiences deep pain and loss. While this story is not quite as dark as the first one, it is still very deep. I bring my characters through some pretty intense trials. But the reoccurring theme through this book is that when we lean on God and look to him to lead us, he will bring us exactly where he wants us to be. 

Here’s the “blurb” you’ll read on the back cover:

“A traumatic attack.

An unexpected twist in her perfectly manicured plans.

One fatal mistake that flips her entire world upside down.

Three permanent events that Molly Taylor simply cannot run away from—although for three and a half years she’s tried to. But when Christ reclaims her heart she decides to face the very things she’s tried so desperately to bury deep inside herself, and now she’s on an exhausting journey to find the answer to an age old question: What is God’s plan for my life? Once upon a time Molly thought she knew exactly where God was leading her. She had dreams, passions, and hopes to fall in love. Her former dreams now gone, old passions faded, and the love of her life snatched up, Molly struggles to see God’s plan for her. Much like before, he leads her down a winding road, and Molly’s never quite sure where she will land. But she is sure of one thing: this time, she’s trusting in his plan. With the help of new friends and the reentrance of two people she never thought she’d have relationships with again, Molly is able to take her first steps into a new life.

But will Molly keep the window of her heart open to God’s plans? Or, like before, will she try and seize control and slam the window shut?”

Thank you for partnering with me on this exciting journey! I cherish each and every one of you, and am so glad to have your love and support carrying me through this busy season of my life.

Blessings! 

4 Big Lessons in 8 Short Weeks

Ben and I have been married for two months already! Reflecting back on these last eight weeks, I can already see that God has been teaching me some important lessons. Some painful ones, but good ones. I can pull four big things I have learned in the last two months, and I’m thankful that in just eight short weeks I have been able to pull out so many important lessons. Much of this is because I made a conscious decision to keep my eyes open to what God would be doing in the first months of marriage. I’m excited for the many more things God will reveal to me in all the months and years he blesses me and Ben with.

Lesson #1: A good attitude is one of the most powerful things in life.

I had to learn this lesson on day one of our marriage. On Friday, June 7^th, the sun shone and clear skies reigned. Even though my phone showed Saturday as being the only rainy day of the week, on Friday I held out hope that the sun would continue to shine and chase the rainclouds away. After all the rehearsal dinner festivities were over I was giddy with excitement, because I knew that rain or shine, tomorrow would be the best day of my life so far! However, in the back of my mind, no matter how much I told myself that if it rained I would be fine, I hoped beyond hope that the rain wouldn’t come.

At 6:00 AM on June 8^th, my alarm went off and I woke up without a problem. (I’ve had to get up at 5:30 every day this summer for work…I wish I was able to wake up that easily all the time!) The first thing I heard? Rain. Wind. Thunder. For a brief second my heart sank. Every bride dreams of her perfect, sunshiny, happily ever after wedding day. Why, on the most important day of my life, was the rain pouring and thunder shaking the sky? Why today?

But then I closed my eyes and made the choice NOT to let this control how my day was going to go. Would the rain and thunder tamper with eighteen months of carefully crafted wedding day plans? Absolutely. But would the rain ruin my marriage? Absolutely not! I told myself: You can let the rain ruin your day or you can CHOOSE to have a good attitude and make this day everything you dreamed about. It’s up to you.

I chose to make the best of it. Why look for reasons to dampen my big day? Regardless of the rain, I knew I was marrying my prince charming. So, we altered plans. My daddy went out and bought a bunch of pink umbrellas, and me and my bridesmaids all held tightly onto them as we ventured from our hair appointments to the church. Was it a hassle? Sort of. Did it ruin the day? Nope. We worked around it. Instead of having our bridal reveal outside under the trees, we moved it inside and still got some great shots. The rain didn’t keep our guests away, and we still got married! The rain continued to mess up some plans, but so what? The point of the day was to commit our lives to each other—not to get the perfect wedding shots I was dreaming about. (Our wedding pictures still turned out beautifully even though we didn’t get to do the outdoor shots I wanted. Check them out on my profile!)

My point is this: We had to make a lot of adjustments on our wedding day due to rain. I could have chosen to be a “bridezilla” and freak out about it. Instead, I took a step back and was able to see the bigger picture. My good attitude had power! Lots of people were concerned that I was crushed, but I was able to encourage them with my positive thinking. This lesson continues to come to me day after day. There are many little things that threaten to ruin my days. But stepping back and choosing to see the bigger picture is beyond powerful. You can choose to have a good attitude, if you try hard enough.

Lesson #2: A good attitude is powerful, but praying and reading scripture together daily is MUCH more powerful

When Ben and I first dated, we made the decision not to read scripture or pray together. As 15 and 16 year olds, we didn’t want to reflect the powerful good feelings that Bible reading and prayer can bring back on to each other. We wanted to grow in Christ, and at that point in our lives we needed to do it separately so that our times in prayer and scripture were Christ focused. As we progressed in our relationship we both knew that marriage was definitely in our future, so we gradually stared moving towards growing together—but  we were still cautious. One thing that worked well for us was reading Christian books together, from authors such as Max Lucado. This was an easy way for Ben to practice being a spiritual leader, because many of these books have Bible studies built right into them. The questions were all laid out, and he was able to lead good discussion during those times.

Now, as a married couple, we are enjoying spending much more time growing together in Christ. We are currently reading through a book called “Quiet Times for Couples” by H. Norman Wright. This book was given to us as a wedding present, and it is a wonderful book! Much like Ben and I had to ease into seeking Christ together as a dating couple, we’ve had to ease into fulfilling our roles—Ben as a spiritual leader and I as his helpmate. This book has made that transition much smoother for us and it’s allowed us to see just how important it is to pray and read scripture together. We’re enjoying the new level of discussion it has allowed us to have—it’s easy to talk about our days, but sometimes spiritual discussions are hard to get going. When reading this book, discussing scripture, what God has been teaching us in our individual quiet times, and praying together becomes much easier.

We’ve seen many marriages crumble around us. We don’t want to experience that pain. So we are combating that right from the beginning and making Christ the center of our marriage. One important thing we learned in our pre-marital counseling was to love God above our spouse and love our spouse above our future kids. I’m so thankful that we were able to lay out those boundaries before we hit any rough patches in our marriage! When the rough patches hit I’m grateful that the solid foundation we are building now will be able to get us through.

Lesson #3: Making time for fun is essential

When Ben and I first started dating we made a list of all the things we wanted to do together—from silly things like going swimming at the local pool to attending a David Crowder Band concert. It was an extensive list, filled with goofy dreams. I love that right from the beginning we made fun a priority. Life is too short to be serious all the time! Being such a young couple can make having fun a bit tougher, as fun things often are expensive. So we’ve gotten creative J

So far we’ve built a blanket fort and watched Harry Potter inside, gone to a drive-in movie theater, gone on a few fishing dates, and picnicked out at Wall Lake. We’re still in “the honeymoon” phase and I know down the road some of the magic might fade. That will be when making time for fun becomes crucial! It will be easy for this priority to slide down the list as we add kids into the mix, but we’re going to try hard to keep it in the top slots. Like I said above, we have to first love God and then love each other above our kids. It’s going to be hard. But I think it will be well worth it. I think our kids will be more secure if the can see that their mommy and daddy love each other. If we never make time to be silly together and spend time apart from them , I think things will get tense, and kids can sense tension. We don’t want them to ever have to question our love for each other. So even though it will be difficult, it’s too important for the well-being of our entire family to not do so.

Lesson #4: The devil is already working on destruction

The devil really wants our marriage to fail, and I have a feeling he is going to try anything to make this happen. Right now he is attacking my attitude and trying as hard as he can to crumble the positive one I am trying to hold onto.

We live in a world that tells us we deserve to be happy all the time. The world tells us we need nice houses, lots of money, spiffy cars, and expensive clothes to be happy. It’s so easy to buy into that! I only have to scroll down my Facebook or Pinterest page to see it. I am bombarded daily with images of things I want in my life—and it’s difficult to hold onto a positive attitude when my heart is screaming “I want more!” I’ve had to close my eyes a few times and mentally list all the things God has blessed me with to refocus myself. Listening to K-Love and Life 96.5 on my way back and forth from work has helped tremendously too. It’s a daily struggle, but I’m not going to let the devil get his way into my marriage.

I’m anticipating a tough battle in the coming weeks as Ben and I attend weddings. Even receiving the invitations to these weddings has been difficult, as I think back to my own and wish we had done things differently. I know I will be taking in all the details the brides put into their weddings and comparing it to my own, wishing I had done this or that differently. I’m going to have to constantly be reminding myself that the wedding is just one day—all those details fade. The marriage itself is what is most important. And our wedding day was absolutely magical—I don’t want to taint that special day with thoughts of what I could have done differently. Because there is no detail we could have added that would have changed how special our day was.

Thanks for lifting us up in prayer and supporting us as we get started. It’s already been a blast—we’re so very excited for all that God has in store for us, whatever that may be. 

Forever my Hero

Yesterday marked one week of marriage for Ben and me. We spent today and yesterday lugging our wedding gifts into our apartment and finding homes for all the wonderful things we received. The wedding and honeymoon are over, we’ve gone back to work, and all the gifts are put away. We’ve spent so long planning a wedding and preparing for marriage, and now that all the craziness is over we can finally get to living; to figuring out how to make our marriage a godly one—a projection of the love Christ has for his church. And thanks to one very special man I can say with confidence that Ben and I are going to make it. Through the trials, hardships, and heartbreaks. Through the smiles, laughter, and joy. We’re going to make this work because we’ve had stellar role models in our life—role models like my dad.

In the weeks leading up to the wedding I would tear up at the thought of my dad walking me down the aisle. We’ve got a special relationship built on years of running together—we’ve had quite a few adventures during the miles we’ve logged together. My heart smiles when I think back to all the cross country and track meets that my dad came to. Regardless of the weather, he was there. Rain, wind, snow, heat—he was there for 99.99% of my meets. His voice would ring out from across the stadium and courses, and I could always hear the sheer joy in his voice as he coached me through countless races. What a privilege to have such an amazing support system in my life—and not just in running. Though neither of my parents were exactly thrilled at my decision to major in social work instead of English, they supported me. And when I finished my manuscript and looked to my dad for advice, his was to simply go for it. The cost was considered, of course, but in the end even though the cost was high he still urged me to go for it. As my book project has taken off he’s given sound advice and pushed my book harder than anyone else. So not only is he a coach, role model, and support system, he is my marketing partner (along with Ben of course J ) and promoter.

When I think back on all my dad has done for me, it is overwhelming. Most little girls will say that their daddy is their hero, but I still hold on to that. My dad is my hero. He is one of my best friends. I feel so beyond blessed that eight days ago he was there to walk me down the aisle. One of my most fond memories of my wedding day is the moment my dad saw me for the first time in my dress with my hair and makeup all done—it was a very emotional moment for us, but its sweet tenderness will never leave me. It took a lot for him to let go, but I thank him for doing so, because four and a half years ago I found someone I wanted to spend forever with—someone who reminds me so much of my dad its kinda scary. When he let gave me up to Ben, his role of provider may have changed. But his role as hero, friend, and supporter will never leave. And for that I am eternally grateful.

I love you, dad. 

Lessons in Less than Ideal Circumstances

Last week I had so many great plans for the weekend. Right now Ben and his groomsmen are spending the weekend camping for his bachelor party, and I planned on staying up in Sioux Falls to get some things done. I was going to finish up some shopping. I was going to sit and assemble the rest of the ceremony programs. I was going to clean the whole apartment. But, here I sit in Yankton. Getting absolutely nothing done. For the past two days all I’ve done is sleep, drink water and Gatorade, and lay around. Here’s why:

I work at an after-school and summer program. Right now my hours are 6:30-3:30 Monday through Friday. On Thursday morning I got up and right away felt a little sick. Not sick enough to call in…actually I wished I felt sicker so that I could call in sick! Those hours start to wear on me and being with 40 kids all day is slightly overwhelming. Breaks are nice. I went to work despite feeling not quite like myself, and by 9:30 I knew I was done for. I have my lunch break from 10-11 and I called my boss when I made it back to the apartment to let her know that I wouldn’t be coming back. I then collapsed into bed…not even realizing that for the entire week I had not been hydrating properly. The day before (Wednesday) I had spent two and a half hours outside with the kids, and I hadn’t drank much at all that day. Even when I got home on Thursday I didn’t drink anything. I just didn’t think about it.

Ben stopped by the apartment for his lunch break at 12:00, and by that time I was pretty bad. I was so nauseous, and just generally felt awful. And that’s when my hands started locking up on me—the start of my panic attack. I didn’t even realize what was happening…all of a sudden I couldn’t move my fingers, and I freaked. On the advice of Ben’s mom we headed to the E.R. and the doctor knew right away that I was having a panic attack. While we worked on calming me down and loosening my fingers, I got hooked up to fluids and was given potassium (which I was extremely low on). Ben and I got to chill in the E.R. for a couple hours while the fluids dripped in and while we waited for the blood and urine test to come back. When they did I had to go in for a CT scan because the doctor suspected a bladder infection, and he was worried about my appendix. Perfect timing right? We’ve been engaged for 18 months and my body decides to get super sick 9 days before the wedding???

Luckily I had neither of those things. I was just extremely dehydrated and overwhelmed. The doctor and nurses explained what to do should I start to have another panic attack, and they gave me a prescription for antibiotics and sent us on our way. We then decided that I shouldn’t go to work the next day, even though I was feeling better. Ben had taken Friday off to head down to Yankton for the camping trip, and he didn’t want to leave me alone. So I called my boss and told her I hoped to be back on Monday and we headed down to Yankton, where my family has been taking good care of me while Ben and his groomsmen enjoy the lovely rain and wind on their camping trip J

I’m not in the clear though…my fever has been up and down for the last 48 hours. At its highest it was 103. Yuck. I’ve been taking Tylenol like a fool and it helps, but once it wears off it climbs back up. So frustrating. I haven’t taken one for quite a while and as of now my temperature is normal, so I’m cautiously optimistic. I took a trip to the clinic earlier today because at 5:00 this morning it was back up at 101, and the doctor told me I had tonsillitis…which I’ve had before and know to be one of the worse things to have. Swallowing water is painful with tonsillitis. It’s not fun, people. Not fun at all. But because I’m on antibiotics they really couldn’t do anything, and just told me to come back if the high fevers hadn’t gone away by Monday. So we shall see! I have another two days of lying flat on my back ahead of me—which oddly enough is so not appealing to me! I find it funny that so much of the time all we want is to be able to lay around all day and do nothing. But when we get sick and can’t do anything but lay around we get frustrated. I’m definitely frustrated.

But…perhaps this is a lesson I just needed to learn. I had all these plans laid out for my weekend. All these things that I just wanted to get done and check off my list. That’s how I live my life. Everything is on a list—I just want to check things off and move on. Make everything perfect. The wedding is definitely one of those things. I have a HUGE list, and I love checking things off and making everything perfect. But just like this weekend, not everything is going to go as planned. I won’t get everything done. It won’t all be perfect. Something will go wrong! But it’s okay. With this sickness, I simply have to deal with it first and move on from there. The things on my list will eventually get done, and everything will be fine. With the wedding, when those little crises break out, we’re just going to have to remember what the whole day is about. It’s not about making everything perfect and putting on a good show. It’s about marrying the one my soul has been waiting my entire life for. So even though this darn flu is inconvenient, it’s taught me a good lesson. I’m thankful that in the midst of chaos there is always something to learn!      

The Reason Why

In 27 days my whole world is going to change. I will live in a new place. I will have a new name. I will have a new title. I will have new responsibilities and expectations placed on me. That’s a lot of changes to get accustomed to! Am I freaking out? Not really. Know why? Because I have the world’s best role model who showed me how to handle all of those things all the years of my life. I call her Mom.

My mother was one of the best pictures of Jesus I had growing up, because she modeled sacrificial love to all of her kids every single day. It says in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down in life for his friends,” and in Philippians 2:3-4, “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”  My mom modeled both of these verses daily, because she was constantly sacrificing so her kids could have the best of everything. Sometimes it was simple things, like turning the channel from the episode of “Little House on the Prairie” that she really wanted to watch to “Richard Scarry’s Busytown” or “Blue’s Clues”—shows she had most likely seen every single episode about five times and probably wanted to pull her hair out if she had to watch them again. Did I ever hear her complain about it though? Sure didn’t. She changed the channel willingly because she loved us.

Sometimes the sacrifice is bigger. My sister Katie and I both felt called to invest in a private, Christian education—an education with a hefty price tag. While we had both worked part-time jobs and saved money for college while in high school, we still needed help, and my mom was able to supplement when things got tight because of the long hours she worked and continues to work.  Sacrificing time and money is a hard thing to repay, and I hope my Mom knows how much we both appreciate her willingness to work long hours so we can have a good future.

I could go on and on and give countless examples of how my Mom has sacrificed so that her kids could benefit. If you spend any amount of time with her, you know one of her love languages is giving gifts—be it time, money, and especially love—it just overflows from her heart. That’s why she was in the audience for every single school performance any of us kids were in. Every “Writer’s Round Table,” school concert and play, every soccer, volleyball and basketball game, every cross country and track meet. It’s why her amazingly loud whistle could be heard after all of those performances. It’s why she was jumping up and down on the sidelines as I raced by. It’s why she willingly hugged my smelly, sweaty body at the finish line of every race.  She loves better than anyone I know because she does it when it’s not convenient, and that is a priceless lesson she has given me.

She is why when we moved Ben into our new apartment, every floor was scrubbed and every inch of the place was dusted and cleaned. She is why there is a good, home-cooked meal on the table most nights of the week and why there is constantly a candle burning somewhere in our new place.

She is the reason I am able to love. Because she showed me Christ’s love through her actions, Christ’s love is in me, and it’s why I am confident in my soon to be role as wife and the role of mother I hope the play in the years to come. Because of her willingness to sacrifice so many things for us, I can walk confidently into an unknown future. And when that future unfolds and brings about bumps and hardships, she will be there, because she is fiercely loyal and full of love.

I am thankful for that.

"Who can find a virtuous woman? She is far more precious than jewels...Strength and honor are her clothing, and she can laugh at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and loving instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the activities of her household and is never idle. Her sons rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also praises her: Many women are capable, but you surpass them all! Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised."

Proverbs 31:10, 25-30