A Very Brief Update!

Today I am celebrating because I finally feel like my cold is going away for good! I’ve been battling this darn cold for a week and a half and am just now starting to feel back to normal. Looking back at October I realize the reason I probably got this cold in the first place is because I spent basically every single day running around like a crazy person while being pregnant and working with germ-infested elementary school kids. Roughly three out of my five weekday mornings were spent shadowing at the agency I will be completing my internship at in the spring—Minnehaha Health and Human Services—and then running off to class, work, and school. Ben and I also took a childbirth class on Monday nights during October, which was hilariously and awkwardly fun and informative, and on Wednesday nights I headed to my church to work with 6^th and 7^th grade girls at youth group. It was no wonder I got sick—literally every minute of every day was full and I finally broke down. However, I am down shadowing and my mornings have been freed up to catch up on some much needed sleep and allowed me to spread my workload out more evenly throughout the week.

Regardless of how tired October made me feel, I am at the point of my pregnancy where I realize I should have been more thankful for the second trimester! My schedule has been freed up considerably and yet I feel even more tired than before! That dreaded exhaustion that I left behind from the first trimester has returned with a vengeance, but now all the fun things like a constant backache have also crept up, and I am just plain tired. But so very, very excited!

I have never been more excited for any aspect of school like I’m excited for my internship. For the last month I have simply been watching case workers handle cases and I have very much enjoyed interacting with clients and learning the ropes to this agency. Going in, I had the misconception that clients would come in “living” off the money from the county and never making changes to improve their lives. But I was wrong. Minnehaha County Health and Human Services isn’t a free for all where people can come in and get a handout. The assistance given out to these people is a loan that is required to be paid back, and if caseworkers have a suspicion that assistance wouldn’t really help the client—that they’d just be back in the office a month later asking for more help—the help isn’t given to them. There are strict income guidelines that case workers have to adhere to, and the goal is to simply help struggling people get back on their feet and to give them the tools to be successful after the county has given them assistance. I’ve learned about all kinds of agencies in Sioux Falls doing wonderful things for people, and it makes me thankful to live in a community that cares about “the least of these.” There is good help available in Sioux Falls for people who desperately need it, and the biggest thing I’ve learned throughout the last month is that it is dangerous to write people off as lazy before you know their story. It is not up to me to decide if someone is “worthy” of my help. It’s my job to listen, to offer them the help available to them or point them to a place that can help them if I am unable to, and to NOT judge them. I have come face to face with my faith, realizing how unworthy I am of God’s love and acceptance when I have done nothing to prove to him that I am worthy. If he can give me grace and forgiveness when I least deserve it, I can give understanding and assistance to people too—even when I feel they least deserve it. I could go on and on about this, so if you want to talk to me about exactly what goes on at Minnehaha County Health and Human Services and why I love it so much, please ask me about it!

And of course, I am so excited to welcome our baby into our lives so soon! I have roughly 11 weeks to go and I am both elated and terrified. I won’t get as much maternity leave as I would like because I need to be back at the agency by mid-February, so add me to your prayer list if you would! I am going to be relying on your prayers to get me through the first rough months of parenting and trying to balance my professional life. It’s going to be a very emotionally trying time for me, and know that your prayers and words of encouragement impact me much more than you will ever know.

That’s my brief update on what I’ve been up to in the past few weeks! Thanks for partnering with me in my whirlwind life.

Life Lately: Killing my Garden & Self-Diagnosis

Ben and I began going to open houses just for kicks and giggles the fall right after we got married. We knew it would be quite a while until we could actually buy a house, but it was still fun to dream together. When Ben got his job at Citibank in January, though, that dream became much more real! I have my mother’s flair for decorating and was eagerly looking forward to making a house transform into the kinds of cozy homes my mom always provided for me. We moved in in April and although we’ve already dealt with some of the not so fun aspects of owning a home, it has been a joy taking care of something we can truly call our own.

When I knew I was going to have a yard, I got really excited about starting a garden. I have fond memories of watching my parent’s garden grow and thought “How hard can it be?” I will admit I got caught up in the magic of my childhood memories: the excitement of picking out just the right seeds with my dad at the store, watching him prepare the ground for planting, and pushing those tiny seeds into the ground with the hopes that they would grow into something wonderful. I can remember watching him come home over his lunch break and turning on the garden sprinkler to give the thirsty plants some water, marveling over the first green shoots that poked their tiny heads out of the dirt, picking the first fruits of all that labor.

What I don’t remember is doing any work! We had gardens when I was pretty young, so of course I didn’t participate in any of the hard work; I had dolls and make believe worlds to tend to! For a few summers I was in charge of watering the flower beds out front, but that chore took all but fifteen minutes of my time during the summer and mom and dad did all the weeding anyway! Now, before you go chasing after my parents for not making me work hard or instilling in me the value of a hard day’s work, I assure you they instilled those values in other ways J. But when it comes to gardens, I was pretty clueless about just how much work it takes to make anything grow.

And so, with magical childhood thoughts dancing through my head I announced to Ben that we should plant a garden. My sweet guy disassembled the broken swing set that the previous owners had left for us and transformed the frame into a garden bed, then prepared the ground for me. What a guy. A trip to the Home Depot came next and with a smile on his face he watched with amusement as I selected just the right seeds and tools we’d need for the garden. I researched which plants should live next to each other to help each other grow the best and then we got our hands dirty and just like I did as a kid, we pushed those tiny seeds into the ground and dreamed about the harvest that lay ahead.

Then I got pregnant and started working full time at the summer program, where I would spend 80% of my time outside at the pool or at the park.

I never knew the depths of what my mother went through four times in order to bring us into the world until I got pregnant myself. I never knew exhaustion until I experienced the first trimester! Even if I spent most of my time at the pool sitting on a lounge chair in the shade watching the kiddos splash around in the pool I would still come home feeling like I did a cross country workout. The last thing I ever wanted to do after coming home from work or on weekends was work in my garden!

And so it sat. I have to say, Mother Nature did a better job watering that dang garden then I did. When I noticed things were looking a little…sad…I would force myself to water it right away when I got home in the afternoons, but weeds had already taken over and I knew that the damage had been done. I accepted the fact that I had neglected this thing that I had once been so excited about, but I realized that even if I could save it still, I didn’t have the energy or excitement to do it anymore.

If you walk into my backyard anytime soon expect to hear a disclaimer about my little weed patch! I’m not one to beat myself up too badly about things like this and I am able to look at the situation and say: “You know, I have many talents and passions. Gardening is clearly not one of them!” and I am okay with this.

Now, this is more than a humorous tale of my sad, unfortunate garden. As the summer has passed and I have progressed further into my pregnancy, I can see clear connections to myself and that darn garden. I have always been a practical, perceptive person and taking social work classes has further sharpened these tendencies—it is hard for me not to look at my life situation with a tiny bit of fear that my life is soon going to look very much like my garden.

I am so thrilled to be welcoming a baby into my life in January. I want to gush about it to everyone I meet, but people don’t always make it so easy to do this. The same thing happened when I got engaged. I wanted to be the head-over-heels in love bride-to-be and talk about it every chance I got, but my life situation made people give advice that wasn’t asked for and frankly, wasn’t appreciated. Those closest to me and Ben knew our history well, knew that the dreams we had for our lives could easily be accomplished as husband and wife. But others felt the need to ask and say things such as this: “Don’t you think you’re a little young?” “You know, marriage isn’t what you think it’s going to be. It’s a lot harder than you probably think!” And on and on. The world has this idea that you need to do XYZ before you can do anything in your life or you will one day look back on it with disappointment. So far I’m not disappointed. Am I living in a dream world where I think life and marriage will always be this easy? Nope. Like I said, I am practical and perceptive—I know that tough times surely lay ahead for us, but we’re choosing to build our marriage off of Christ and seeking Biblical wisdom in order to make it work.

I have kept much of my excitement about our baby to myself because I fear the reactions of people who think they need to offer me advice. I know that I am young and I will honestly not have a clue how to take care of a newborn, you don’t need to tell me this. I am scared enough without your reminder. I know that my situation is unique. I wish I could capture “the look,” as I like to call it, when I explain what our winter and spring is going to look like. When I found out I was pregnant in the spring, my first worry was that I wouldn’t be able to finish school on time and that I’d have to extend my senior year by one semester. God has blessed me with a kind and understanding advisor who pursued her own social work degree later in life as she was raising her children. Knowing that it would be possible—tough, yes, but possible—she assured me that I could get done on time. In two weeks I will start my final semester of classes, have this sweet baby in January when I don’t have to take any classes thanks to interim, and in the spring I will complete my degree with an internship at the County Welfare Office. I realize that I will have a full plate; that I will be running on lack of sleep and that I won’t want to leave my little one at daycare. But it’s what I have to do! I don’t want “the look” when I explain my situation—the sad smile you give me because things will be difficult. Believe me, I am completely aware that my life will no doubt resemble the sprawling patch of weeds in my backyard that used to be a garden. The organized, quite life I am living now is going to transform into something I won’t recognize. The phrase “post-partum depression” has begun hanging around in my mind and I am so angry that simply the fear of being sad and overwhelmed about welcoming my sweet baby into the world is already crowding out the overwhelming joy that used to be there! I’m trying to be practical by realizing that this winter might not be everything I thought having a baby would be like, but I don’t want to self-diagnose myself and walk into the next few months with fear dragging me down.

But then I take a step back and look again at my garden. Sure, I neglected it. Even from the beginning it never got the care it deserved, but it grew anyway. It rained just enough in May and June to give it a healthy start, and even though the weeds came up and the ground cried for moisture as the weeks went on, it continued to grow. The harvest will not look anything like I imagined it would, but I will still pull a few things out of that mess and gosh darn it, we will enjoy it J. Looking back, I know I could have done things differently and the garden could have grown into the kind of garden my parent’s always had. There are simple steps I could have taken to make things better. The fact that it grew anyway reminds me that some things are simply beyond my control. Maybe I will be completely overwhelmed and maybe I will experience “the baby blues.” But I am confident that whatever weeds threaten to choke me out will not completely overwhelm me because, unlike my garden, I have a gardener with a much more caring, compassionate heart. Someone who won’t be too tired to stoop down and pull those nasty weeds from my life, who will give me water when I need it most and who won’t give up on me when things begin to look bad. My harvest won’t look like what I always dreamed it will—raising my family will be messy; it will require more work than I ever thought possible. But I’m not the one it charge and thank goodness for that!  

Maybe God is smiling down as I shake my head at my sad little weed patch. Maybe he planned from the beginning for this to happen because he knew I would over-analyze it and come to the conclusion he knew was there all along:

This mama is gonna be just fine.

I’m going to be just fine because He is the one wearing the gardening gloves and because I know from watching weeds take over that there are steps I can take to make it better when it seems like everything is out of control. This winter and spring, and for the rest of my life, really, will be a time of learning. Of making mistakes and realizing that I can’t do it on my own. Of being humble enough to reach out to others for help.

So while I have thought through all the different scenarios of what having this baby will be like, ultimately I know I won’t fully understand what it will actually be like until the time arrives! If we run into each other in the meantime, let me work through these conflicting thoughts with you—let me be completely, blissfully happy, let me be scared. Pray for me and offer me good, Biblical advice. Keep “the look” to yourself and just walk beside me.

Remind me who is in charge.

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.”

            —John 15: 1-4  

How Pregnancy is Turning Me into a Huge Sap and What it's Teaching me About Christ

I consider myself to be a fairly un-sappy girl—well, before pregnancy, that is! I used to poke fun at people who could tear up during a movie or while reading a sad book, but it looks like the tables have turned on me, especially now that I am in my 13^th week of pregnancy and the risk of miscarriage has dropped significantly. The thought of losing this baby has been in the back of my mind since day one, and I’m breathing a sigh of relief and praising God that for now, everything seems to be right on track.

I spend quite a bit of my day thinking about the little one we’re so excited to welcome into our lives in January, which of course, makes me really emotional! I find myself smiling at and watching new moms cuddling their new babies at the pool when I’m watching my summer program kiddos. I’ll feel a marble well up in my throat thinking about holding my own baby. I wonder what his or her sweet face will look like. I have so many dreams and plans for this little one that it almost overwhelms me.

Something completely new overwhelmed me, reducing me to tears while driving down a busy street in Sioux Falls today. I was listening to “How He Loves” by David Crowder, and I just could not handle thinking about the deep, deep love that the Lord already has for this baby! Please listen to the song before reading on:

God already has all the physical traits of our baby etched out. He knows what the baby’s sweet face will look like—he’s already picked out what splash of color the baby’s eyes will be, he’s carved the dimples that I’m just absolutely positive will grace his or her face, and he’s already counted out the number of hairs that will cover the baby’s soft little head. But more importantly—far more importantly—he is preparing our baby’s heart to hunger and thirst after him. Jesus says in John 4:13-14 to the Samaritan woman at the well that “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst again.” Our baby will understand physical thirst—and it will understand spiritual thirst as well. God has programed us to desire something in this world. As Christians we know that the desire can only be filled with Christ. God is preparing our little one to battle this spiritual thirst, and I am already praying that he or she will choose the living water of Jesus, and not the physical “water” that the world will offer up. I find it amazing that even as this little one is still growing, God is already pursuing his or her heart! As the song says, he loves this baby! Passionately, richly, deeply, and with a power that is so all satisfying that it made me a teary, blubbery mess right in front of Target today just thinking about it.

I’ve heard it said that you never truly understand what it means to love another until you hold your baby in your arms. I’m looking forward to that moment. But I am so, so thankful that God is already holding our baby in his strong arms. I am thankful that God is revealing his heart to me during this pregnancy; offering up just a tiny taste of the love he has for me as I love my own baby. Seriously, this little button is only the size of a peach and already I can’t comprehend the love I feel for him or her! How could anyone love anything more than this? Rereading what Christ accomplished on the cross puts it into perspective in a hurry. You can read about it here: 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+27%3A32-55&version=NIV

I can’t wait to see our child learn about what Christ has done for him or her! I hope that their eyes fill with tears when they truly realize the depth of what Christ has done for them. I can’t wait for the day when they make the decision to become a follower of Jesus. How wonderful will it be to be both a mother and a sister or brother in Christ to my child?? I find so much peace and comfort knowing that in all the ways I will fall short as a parent, in all the ways I won’t love this baby adequately, that God’s love will always be there for my little one—that he will never, ever fail him or her. His love will always run deeper than mine, and for that I am truly grateful.

I’m also a little bit emotional about it J

Thirteen Week! I realize the writing is super small....oops! Baby's fingerprints have now formed, the head makes up 1/3 of his or her body, is 3 inches long and weighs about 1 oz. Mom feels SO MUCH BETTER than two weeks ago, and even though its hard to tell in this picture there IS a little baby bump happening, folks. It's a baby, not cookies, I promise :) 

Oh, Baby!

I had a flashback the other day, sparked, interestingly enough, by a birthday notification on Facebook. Most of you know that Ben and I have known each other for essentially our entire lives. We were always in the background of each other’s lives. If you look through pictures of each of our childhoods, you’ll see glimpses of this—there Ben is standing behind me on the bleachers during a Christmas play at church, there I am on the sidelines in photos of Ben’s AWANA years. Church was our common ground, so when we made the decision to begin dating we wanted the church to be a part of our relationship. The easiest way for us to do this was to get an important role model to both of us involved—our youth pastor Jeremy Nelson! His recent birthday brought back a sweet memory, although one that was not always so fondly remembered. I went in for a meeting once with a Jeremy and a few other people and I was the first to arrive. Ben and I had only recently begun dating and Jeremy said something like this: “So, you and Ben are dating now, huh? I think that’s great! I think it’s awesome that you’re ready to look forward to being a wife and a mother!”

Now, those were not his exact words, but I do know that he mentioned both marriage and parenthood, which at the time completely freaked me out. I was only fifteen, for crying out loud! Thinking about walking down the aisle and having kids with someone I had only just begun dating terrified me—but it did get me thinking. We all know that relationships—especially high school relationships—end in one of two ways: eventually it ends heartbreak or it leads to the wedding alter. With this in the forefront of my mind, I began to wonder if it was worth it to jump into a relationship. My dad had spoken similar words that had me thinking along the same lines, words that up until recently didn’t make sense to me.

Date for marriage.

My fifteen year old brain did not understand this. Did he mean date with the intention of getting married? Who would tell their fifteen year old to do this? It wasn’t until later that I understood that he meant to date in such a way that my eventual husband would be honored. We had no way of knowing that Ben would one day become that husband, of course, but I think all of us are glad he did!

The thought of being married and a parent is of course not so terrifying to me now. Well…the married part isn’t…the parent part is still a foreign concept to me! God has richly blessed us in the last year with a wonderful full-time job for Ben and a new house, and with these two blessings we began to plan. We planned for foster children to enter our house soon. We planned to build a fence in our backyard and bring a puppy home to run around and make messes in.

God planned for us to have a baby, instead!

We are of course thrilled to welcome this little Whitley into our home. Being a mom is the one thing I have always been sure that I wanted to do. Before I wanted to be a writer, before I wanted to be a social worker, I wanted to be a mom. (Ask my own mother how many hours were spent rocking and tucking in baby dolls in our house!) But this does not mean we’re not overwhelmed and scared—but I suppose every new parent to be feels the same way! Things are going to get tricky. I have one year of school and an internship to get done in the midst of being a new mom and I am overwhelmed by the decisions and purchases that need to be made before we can bring our little button home with us. I will be the first to admit that I dip slightly into the “Type A” Personality Type. I love lists and being organized. I am a planner, which if you’ve been watching my Pinterest activity over the past few weeks you’re probably smiling and laughing. I’ve pinned so many lists and plans about baby needs and delivery that I’ve lost count. I just want to be prepared! I want to be organized and on top of everything.

God always has a way of bringing just the right amount of chaos into my life to help me balance myself out, however. Last week Ben and I discovered quite a bit of water seeping into our newly carpeted basement, which forced me to reevaluate how I respond to negative events in my life. We have two girls living in our basement this summer, and the water caused the girls to take residence elsewhere—one of those places being my living room floor! Suddenly four people were stuck upstairs, using the same bathroom, and we were all a bit frustrated by the situation. I could have easily whined and pouted (okay…maybe I did to my husband just a teeny bit) but what would have been the point? I watched my dad, Ben, and a good friend tackle the water and I knew the queen sized ben laying in the middle of the floor wouldn’t be there forever. Sooner or later things were going to go back to normal—and it wouldn’t be because of me stressing out and being upset.

Guess what? The basement is dry and everything is back in its place! Well, sort of. I have been experiencing some of the worst days of pregnancy so far, and I am just not feeling like myself. Remember how I told you I like to plan things? That includes our meals for the week, but being so sick and tired and has made doing so much harder. Pregnancy brain is a real thing, folks—I am forgetting things left and right. Normally I would stress all day if I knew I didn’t have a dinner plan, but recently I have been able to shrug it off and say “Ya know, I got through this day in one piece and I kept everything in my tummy! That’s good enough for me. Pizza Hut is on speed dial anyway!”

It has been freeing to allow myself to relax. To let the clutter in the closet build up and be able to just shut the door and make the decision to not let it bother me. To forget about dinner plans and tell Ben to take me out for the second time this week. To realize that when a baby comes into our home, the organized life that I have planned for us on Pinterest is probably not going to be a reality.

But you know what? I am so happy that organized home will probably never be a reality for us. Because when I think back on the life my mom and dad gave me, I don’t remember organized closets and Tupperware that had matching lids. I remember sitting around the table laughing and sharing meals that had most likely been thrown together by my amazing mom after a day of laundry and loving on her kids. I remember snuggling down to family movie nights and thinking, “This is what the word ‘security’ means. I remember my dad tickling my nose with my pink blanket and teaching me how to pray to Jesus as he tucked me in at night. I remember love. Chaos. Clutter. Security. Safety. Jesus.

I want to give our little button those things. I want to forget all about what I think I need to do and focus instead on what God has called me to do. To love the little life he has blessed us with and raise this child to bring glory to his name.

I can hardly wait to get started.

 The actual due date in January 15th!

 Mom has nooooo idea that in a few weeks she will feel very much not like herself! Still enjoying lots of energy and a good appetite at six weeks

Baby at 7 weeks old! We thought you were a bit older and are bummed we have to wait a few more weeks to meet you. You'll be worth the wait, though!

Still smiling despite the exhaustion and morning (wait, no. It's ALL DAY) sickness! Baby is 11 weeks on tomorrow!

   

Big Life Update! Big and Scary Adult Type Things

Ben and I are beginning to walk along the road to homeownership! It is certainly an exciting time in our lives, and we feel extremely blessed by the Lord to be able to afford a nice home. We have a spare room stacked to the ceiling with boxes that we can’t wait to pack up and unload into a new place.

We are so happy. But my social worker conscience is conflicted.

I’ve been to a developing nation, where the houses looked like this:

This is in Punta Gorda, Belize, where just a short car ride away will lead to a stunning vacation resort. When Ben and I took a mission’s trip to Belize in high school, it was difficult for us to wrap our minds around the fact that two totally different worlds existed so close to each other: one world consists of frivolous wealth, the other of humble people scraping out a living no one in America would even consider having.

But did you know that people are indeed living like that in America? In South Dakota? I work with those people every day. I drop 22 children off in the poorest parts of Sioux Falls in building I wouldn't even want to step foot into and then go back to a completely different world--a world of comfort and security, where my biggest worry is the downstairs neighbor calling the landlord again because we are too loud upstairs. Today one of my students didn’t want to get off the van and go home. I told him he needed to or he would miss supper. Looking me straight in the eyes he said, “I don’t eat supper. Or breakfast. I eat lunch at school.” Talk about a knife to the heart. After looking in a fridge bursting with food earlier that day, I couldn’t find anything that appealed to my taste buds so I drove down to Subway and got a sandwich and two cookies. My student had only eaten a small school lunch and the snack provided for him at my program and wouldn’t eat again until lunch the next day. How fair is that?

Please don’t tell me that his parents need to stop being lazy and get a job. The reason he is at my program is that his parents work multiple jobs just to pay the rent and try and feed five mouths. I know because he told me. If he didn’t come to my program, he’d go home to an empty house, supervised only by his eleven year old sister, and his tummy would rumble out of hunger. I am so glad he gets to come with me instead—that he gets to eat a small snack, play soccer with his best friend, and just be a kid for a few hours before going back to a much harsher reality.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in the social work program is that not everyone falls into poverty or trouble because they are lazy or that they refuse to work. Feel free to argue with me all you want on this one, but until you’ve studied society and worked with people in poverty, your point of view is limited and subjected to the preconceived notions that have been building in your mind for years—I’m still fighting to tear down my own preconceived notions myself. For someone who has always worked hard and fought for what I have, it’s not easy. It’s hard to look at people and be willing to hear the whole story. To look beyond the simple answer your brain comes up with to explain why my eight year old student and his two sisters don’t get to eat supper or breakfast. It’s simpler to write their parents off as lazy and mumble under your breath that you’re sick and tired of seeing welfare moms waste your hard earned money. (I challenge you to go out a purchase the book "Nickle and Dimed: On NOT Getting by in America," by Barbara Ehrenreich and see if it changes your mind. I'd love to chat with you about it!)

I challenge you to do some research--to actually read that book and be willing to consider a new point of view. To volunteer with low income families and see your heart and mind transform. It has been so wonderful to see skepticism and doubt blossom into compassion and empathy in my own life. I absolutely cannot wait to graduate and take my licensing exam so that I can be a social worker—so that I can be a part in watching people‘s lives change for the better.
 That’s one of the biggest reasons Ben and I felt that we should buy a house. We were both blessed to grow up in families with enough money; where breakfast, lunch, and dinner was always a guarantee. We were kids every minute of every day, because someone was always there to take care of us and to worry about big scary things for us. We didn’t realize until Belize that not everyone had a childhood like that. It would take a few more years for that to really sink in. But when it did, we decided to do something about it.

We want our home to be a blessing to others. We want it to be a place where people feel welcomed, cherished, and loved. We want laughter to ring around our dining room table; we want our couches to have permanent indentations in them from the friends that frequently sit around to share their lives with us. We want to open up our spare bedrooms to missionaries who need a place to stay while traveling. And we want to foster children who through no fault of their own are being stripped of the very childhood Ben and I were freely, undeservedly given.

Feel free to also argue with me about why we shouldn’t open our home to foster children. Please tell me how unprepared and unexperienced we are, because I will ask you when we will know we are ready. What would be the most convenient time for us to do this? When we have more money? When we have kids of our own? When we have more time?

Life isn’t predictable. We can’t wait to do the work God is calling us to do—which we feel very strongly that he has called us to foster—until we are ready, because I honestly believe that we are never ready for any of the things God brings into our lives! I wasn’t ready to make big decisions about my future when I was 18, but I did and it’s turning out pretty darn well for me. I wasn’t ready to be a lead teacher working with a group of challenging kids, but no one has died so far and kids continue fighting over who gets to hold my hand every day, so I’d say I’m doing okay. I don’t think it will ever be truly convenient for us to foster—heck, it’s not going to be convenient to parent our own future children! We will most likely always feel that there are not enough minutes in our days, days to our weeks, and weeks to our years. We will never have stacks of cash lying around collecting dust, but we are doing our best to use the money God is blessing us with for good.

I’m also going to throw out that I have studied human behavior and child psychology more in depth than most foster parents have, and that by currently working with a challenging group of kids I am cultivating a rich garden of experience. Will this prepare us fully? Heck no. I’m not kidding myself—I know what kids are capable of. At-risk kids are capable of even more! It will probably feel like I am getting run over by a bulldozer when we first get started. Re-read the above paragraph to understand why I am so excited for this anyway. We are fully aware that the life we are choosing to live is not going to be easy and safe. But we serve a big God and are excited that by his strength alone we can stumble through anyway.   

I have challenged you to fight with me twice, but I hope that you picked up that those challenges were dripping with sarcasm. I don’t want you to fight with me—I don’t want you to mail me a letter listing all the reasons we shouldn’t do this. I know all the reasons. Trust me, I’ve been studying this for three years and living it for a full year now. I know a little bit what it’s like to work with rough kids. But I cannot justify buying a nice house, decorating it all up and just sitting in it. Having it. I can’t. Not when I have students lying awake at night praying the hours will pass until its lunchtime and they can eat again. Not when there are kids out there wondering when dad will stop drinking and slamming mom up against the counter and threatening to choke her again. Not when parents who need help are stealing away the few precious years of childhood kids have by forcing them to be far more responsible than they should have to be.

Here are some practical things you can do for us! 

• Pray! That this is truly the Lord's will for us and that the house passes all inspections and that we can close and move in April. That when we decide to officially pursue foster care in the next two years that we pass all the tests and inspections. For peace of mind and wisdom if tough kids come through our doors. For Christ to reach the hearts of those tough kids so that they know, even from a short stay with us, that he loves them and has good plans for them.

• Consider donating some of your old kid stuff! We have a small stack of kids books right now. It's a start, but we'll need more! If you like to garage sale, consider keeping an eye out for kid's stuff. Some things you might want to look for are: nice, gently used board games, clean and in good condition stuffed animals, children's DVDs and BluRays, and toys such as plastic food and legos. 

• Offer practical advice on parenting. We will have no clue what we are doing sometimes--but what parent truly does? Before clucking your tongue or shaking your head or asking us what we were thinking when we handled a situation the way we did, please stop and remember what it was like to be a first time parent. Don't lecture us. But please help us in a kind way! 

Also, please don't read this post and think I am looking down on you for not doing the things we are so eagerly planning for. Ben and I truly believe that God blesses each of us differently--we all have different gifts that God has a unique plan and purpose for. For us, it is foster care and opening our home to those who need it. We know that not everyone can do this, but we encourage you to figure out what the Lord IS calling you to do! Perhaps after reading this you feel God calling you to foster, and if so please message me if you have questions! Or perhaps you feel God calling you to do something else. I urge you to listen, because he will bless you for your obedience.  

I can move into my new house with a heart full of happiness knowing that we will use it for good, no matter how difficult that good might get. I can’t wait to get started packing. 

"Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity. Anyone who wants to be my disciple must follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And the father will honor anyone who serves me."
- John 12:26

Learning is Messy

I love learning. Making new discoveries. I got to help some of my students feel the thrill that follows after something finally clicks inside your brain, and I was honored to be a part of their learning. To those of you who know me best it might come as a shock to know that I helped them with their math homework. Math has never been a strong subject for me—many tears were shed during my k-12 years over confusing math homework. Helping kids make sense of something I have struggled with myself was even better! I was better able to sympathize with their frustrations and encourage them to keep trying, because the feeling of accomplishment that follows is always worth the hard work.

I’m experiencing something similar in my own life, completely unrelated to math. (Thank goodness I am done with that part of my life!)

To my women readers: correct me if I’m wrong, but does it seem like we are wired to compare ourselves to others? Growing up (and as adults!) we compare our bodies to others, we compare our academic performances, we compete against each other in sports, and there just seems to be an undercurrent of “I need to be the best. I need to be better than her.” Maybe it’s just me. I know I struggled with this issues as a teenager, but not to the extent that I am now. Now that I am married, getting to the end of my college career, and have my own place, the desire to “be the best” seems to have tripled in my life. I find jealousy welling up in me because of the most ridiculous things—people getting engaged makes me want to go back in time to that exciting time of dreaming and planning. People posting their wedding photos makes me want to go back to my wedding day and experience that tremendous joy all over again. Even things like scrolling through Pinterest and seeing all the cute and clever things that people find can cause jealousy! (I was almost too ashamed to write that! How ridiculous!) I can be really hard on myself for these feelings, but these last few weeks have been such an encouragement to me.

I’ve been going to a Bible study at my church where we’ve been studying Jesus’s parables, and it has been so eye opening and wonderful. The leader shared a bit of her own struggles with comparison as she told me about the jealousy she feels when she visits other people’s houses and sees their decorations. She shared that she’s always thinking about “the next thing” she needs to make her house complete. The sad thing is, though, that “the next thing” is never the last thing. There’s always something else that fills in that spot, and we are constantly thinking about “the next thing” we need to satisfy ourselves. I could relate so completely, and I found encouragement that I’m not the only one with a “next thing” on my list!

Realizing this was all fine and dandy, but what to do with this revelation? I’m a “doer.” I don’t like to sit back and let life happen to me. If I feel like something’s not right in my life, I try my hardest to fix it. (That’s what being the middle child does to you…we are fixers!) But God stepped in and reveled something so spectacularly simple to me: You can’t fix yourself. Only I can do that.

It came to me after reading through two parables that I have read and reread many times. Just like my math homework, I didn’t quite get it until much later. It is just finally starting to click in my mind. Most of you are probably just as familiar with the parable of the four soils, but here is a refresher for you:

Mark 4: 1-9

“Once again Jesus began teaching by the lakeshore. A very large crows soon gathered around him, so he got into a boat. Then he sat in the boat while all the people remained on the shore. He taught them by telling stories in the form of parables, such as this one:

‘Listen! A farmer when out to plant some seed. As he scattered it across his field, some of the seed fell on a footpath, and the birds came and ate it up. Other seed fell on shallow soil with underlying rock. The seed sprouted quickly because the soil was shallow. But the plant soon wilted under the hot sun, and since it didn’t have deep roots, it died. Other seed fell among thorns that grew up and chocked out the tender plants so that they produced no grain. Still other seeds fell on fertile soil, and they sprouted, grew, and produced a crop that was thurty, sixty, and even a hundred times as much as had been planted.’”

In my arrogance I always thought that a person’s heart can only be one kind of soil forever, that you were just given what you got and I of course am the good fertile soil. I just recently learned that our heart responds to things in different ways. Sometimes what God teaches us lands on good soil, ready to be received and put down deep roots. But other times what God is telling us lands on the packed, hard soil—we are unwilling to let the seed grow and change. Sometimes we receive his word quickly, but the rock underneath prohibits growth—our worries and current struggles get in the way of growth. And other times unseen weeds choke out what God is trying to say to us. For some reason this was lost on me all the times I read this passage. Jennifer Kennedy Dean, the author of the Bible study, wrote this: “Even good soil has to be prepared. It has to be plowed. When the Lord is turning over the soil in your heart, don’t try to pat it back down and make it nice and even like it used to be. Let the Lord prepare the ground for the seed He wants to plant there. ‘Break up your unplowed ground.'  (Jeremiah 4:3). God has a promise for you.”

I realized that there is nothing I can do to “fix” myself. I can’t make myself stop comparing myself. But God can. And he is. He is plowing up the unwilling, selfish soil and preparing it for the seeds he has planned for me. The farmer, God, is doing all the work in my heart. I am just finally being willing, and recognizing that patting back the soil to seem put together isn’t going to help. While plowing looks messy and feels painful, the end result is always worth it.

Jennifer Kennedy Dean also touched on the life of a seed. John 12:24 says “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, It remains alone. But it’s death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives.” She explains it like this: “Where is the life in a seed? It’s in the seed’s embryo, which contains the blueprint for life. The husk, the tough outer layer that encases the seed, must be broken down so water and oxygen can reach the embryo, the life center. The outer layer must die so the life contained within the seed can emerge.”

Jesus isn’t sugar coating anything with these teachings! Following him means our hearts will be plowed. It means we have to die to ourselves to let his blueprint guide our life. And we are pretty powerless in this situation! Besides being open to his word and allowing him to do his work, we can’t do much to change ourselves.

I’m pretty thankful for a God who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. Who is willing to plow up the messes I get myself into and plant his Word, his blueprint for life, into my heart. 

Take a listen to this new song by Sidewalk Prophets. It has been by prayer for the last week.

Looking Ahead: 2014

January always bums me out a little. With Christmas over, the snow suddenly seems a little less magical, Christmas songs are getting a little annoying, and the cold is settling in for another four months. I’m ready for tulips and sunshine, but instead we are stuck with snow heavy clouds, icy streets, and bitter winds. It’s safe to say that I catch a bit of the winter blues in January!

I figure this is the perfect time to start looking ahead to all the good that 2014 has to offer. I’m not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions, simply because I haven’t had much luck following through with them in the past. A few years ago I discovered something I like much better—it’s called “My One Word.”

The idea behind “My One Word” is to pick one word that centers on your character and creates a vision for your future. Instead of making a long list of resolutions that will most likely fall of the radar by February, you pick a word that helps you narrow down your focus and provide some clarity. You can learn more here: http://myoneword.org/

For 2014, I have chosen the word “Abide.”  It comes from the passage of scripture found in John 15:4, which says, “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned.”

This passage was read at our wedding in June, and it’s how we prepared ourselves for marriage. We refer back to this passage often to remind ourselves that whatever plans we make for ourselves better include the Lord, with the goal of glorifying his name. Without Christ, all of our well-intended plans will be meaningless. So while this is a passage that will continue to guide and shape the rest of our life together, I have chosen it for 2014 to remind myself to make plans for the future that include the Lord. Here are some things I have planned for 2014:

1.     Cherish life’s daily joys. Big and small.

 

Every day is worth celebrating, simply because God has granted us another day to live out his love. It can be difficult to appreciate his little blessings in the business of life, so we now have a visual reminder to help us slow down and take not of what God is doing for us. At the end of 2014 we’ll go back through the notes we threw into this little jar and remember all that God did for us—all the good, bad, and in between.

2.     Learn. Reach out. Speak.

We have a lot to learn! 2013 was a year of learning, especially when it comes to our book business. We took some big risks, trusted that God would provide for us, and then took some big steps. We want to keep learning all we can about how to market my writing, all the while keeping in mind that things might continue to go slowly for a few more years. We are having fun, though, and are grateful that for now we are in control over my writing. I am not currently under a contract to write, which means we can take a break while we figure out how we want to move forward with my publishing adventure. You can read more about the fears and doubts I have struggled with recently on my author blog: http://sarawhitley.wordpress.com/

With this in mind, we are striving to reach out and speak in 2014. We are researching events to go to sell books, and I’m also working very hard to set up some speaking events. I am excited to speak to the Sioux Falls Kiwanis club in February, and I’m contacting quite a few teachers with the hopes that I can get into many classrooms in 2014. I’m hoping to get into more libraries, shops, and bookstores in the coming year. Keep checking out my Facebook fanpage for all of those details!

3.     Run.

Running has always been a passion of mine, but I pushed it to the backburner when the opportunity to write presented itself. A pretty nasty IT Band injury didn’t help either, and the fact that I had to drop out of the cross country and track program at USF to begin working. I wasn’t running on a scholarship and things were getting a bit tight in the money department, so I made the choice to take a break with the hopes that after my injury healed I could just run on my own. Life got busy, however, and I simply didn’t make the time to schedule running back into my life. I want to change that in 2014! With these snazzy pink shoes and an injury prevention program in place, I am looking forward to getting back on the trail. If all goes according to plan, I’ll be heading up to the Twin Cities in October for my first marathon.

January is looking a little brighter as I look forward to all the things that 2014 has to offer! As always, I appreciate all the prayers and encouraging words from you, my family and friends. I find so much joy knowing that because I belong to the body of Christ, I am never alone—no matter how dark and cold this journey can get, I have a warm and loving support system to help me through.

Happy New Year!